


highly serious business

by ravenreyamidala



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Person of Color Harry Potter, Person of Color James Potter, Some puns, crackfic written siriusly, everyone lives and no one dies au, sirius crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 22:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12375651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenreyamidala/pseuds/ravenreyamidala
Summary: Sirius Black is an adult who can sign his own liability forms. The gang bears this with something approaching grace.





	highly serious business

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tamilprongspotter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamilprongspotter/gifts).



> My wisdom teeth are being little bitches, so I thought I would write something about them, or at least something tangentially related to it. Sirius getting his removed was born out of that idea.

"Why?" Remus asked plaintively when he met Sirius at the door to the clinic.

"I was bored, and this seemed as good an idea as any," Sirius admitted, tapping his foot.

Remus resisted the urge to rub the furrow between his eyes, but just barely.

"Sirius. We've talked about this. 'I was bored' is not nor ever was a good excuse to do anything," Remus explained as patiently as he could.

"I know," Sirius agreed.

Remus gestured towards the clinic with his arms, too controlled to be described as 'furiously' but also too controlled to be called 'calmly'.

"I was bored," Sirius answered, shrugging.

"Why did I marry you?" Remus groaned.

"Tax benefits. I would have been happy living in sin with my werewolf partner for the rest of my life, but you had to be all reasonable and rational-- yes Moony I know those are the same things, it's for dramatic effect-- reasonable and rational about lowered taxes and spousal benefits and the ilk," Sirius explained, grinning at the end.

"Did you just use the word 'ilk'?" Remus asked in disbelief.

"Weird thing to focus on, but yes. I am well-cultured. I read things," Sirius huffed, striking a dramatic pose.

"You overheard Lily using it," Remus said flatly.

"I overheard Lily using it," Sirius agreed amicably.

"Where did you even get the idea to remove your wisdom teeth the Muggle way? Even Lily went to St. Mungo's, and they didn't remove them, just made room for them," Remus pointed out.

"I was watching the telly with the kids, and there was a character who got his teeth taken out. You should have heard the way they giggled," Sirius said.

"Giggled?" Remus asked skeptically.

"Giggled," Sirius answered, nodding solemnly.

"Well, if it made them _giggle_ ," Remus trailed off.

"That's your thinking face, Remus. What are you thinking?" said Sirius warily.

"Oh nothing," Remus said lightly, "Just that if you're doing the removal the Muggle way, you might as well heal up the Muggle way."

"That can't be so bad. How long does that take, a couple of days?" Sirius said.

"Sure Siri," Remus said, barely keeping a straight face.

Sirius stared suspiciously at Remus, but an orderly distracted them by announcing it was time for Sirius to get prepped for surgery.

"You should give me your wand. No magic under the influence," Remus said solemnly.

Sirius handed it over stealthily and then followed the orderly to the operating theatre.

Remus shook his head fondly, before going to ask the receptionist about post-op care.

* * *

“Why did you let him do this?” Lily asked.

“You say that like he isn’t an adult who can sign his own liability forms now,” Remus replied.

“I’m pretty sure he got a tattoo, a piercing, a motorcycle, and a lap-dance the day he turned legal,” James said in agreement.

“That sounds about right-- but why are you only ‘pretty’ sure?” Lily asked suspiciously.

James made a face.

“Well, I had to go with him, right? Remus was dealing with his furry little problem, and you can’t leave Sirius Black unattended the day he becomes an adult, so I went with him. And we were all tired from the night before, and I was a little under the weather, so I was on some potion courses. So I had some tea and a bunch of potions in my system and I ended up blacking out,” James explained.

Lily winced in sympathy. Drug interactions were bad enough, but once magic entered the equation, there was no telling what could happened.

“Sounds like you got off lightly, if you just don’t remember that one night,” Remus said.

“Believe you me, I’m glad I don’t remember most of that night. I remembering having to hold his hand during the tattoo,” James said.

“Sirius...doesn’t have a tattoo,” Lily said slowly, brows furrowed together.

“That _you_ can see,” Remus said wearily.

“What did he get tattooed?” Lily asked, out of morbid curiosity more than anything else.

“Ap-ba-ba-ba-bab. I don’t want to know. Leave me out of this. It’s bad enough that I have a vague recollection of the piercing,” James said, standing up from the kitchen table and walking over to the living room where the kids were playing.

“Listen to James, Lily. You don’t want to know,” Remus said, face briefly haunted, before clearing up with the chime of his watch.

“Time to pick up Sirius?” Lily asked, amused.

“Yes. This man is going to be the death of me,” Remus said fondly, before turning on his heel and Apparating away.

* * *

“Why did you bring him here? The kids just went down for their naps. If Sirius wakes them up--” James’ threat was cut off by an inhuman screech.

“UNCLE SIRIUS,” shouted a brown blob that ran down the stairs into the living room and attached itself to Sirius’s leg.

“Great! Fantastic. If I violated the nap contract, Lily’s going to divorce me,” James said, throwing his hands up in surrender before going up the stairs to see if he could keep the other kids asleep.

“Harry, kiddo, be gentle with your uncle there. He’s a little...strange, right now,” Remus admonished.

“Uncle Sirius is always strange,” Harry said, before grabbing Sirius’s hand and walking them to the couch.

“He’s got a point,” Sirius said as he stumbled his way to the couch.

“I’m not pointy, Uncle Sirius! The Malfoys are pointy,” Harry protested.

“No, Prongsl-pong-ping-pong ball, point means that...I don’t remember. Ask the hottie over there,” Sirius said, sluggishly pointing his finger.

“Uncle Remus?” Harry said, scrunching his nose as he followed Sirius’s finger to Remus.

“Uncle Remus? Weird name, but okay. Uncle Remus, why don’t you come sit in my lap?” Sirius said, leering at Remus.

“I don’t think my husband would particularly enjoy that,” Remus said wryly.

Sirius’s face fell. Harry opened his mouth, but caught Remus’s eye and gesture to remain silent.

“You’re--you’re married?” Sirius said, voice wobbling.

“Yes?” Remus said hesitatingly, showing off his wedding ring.

“B-b-but I love you,” Sirius wailed. Harry patted his arm as soothingly as an eight year old could, looking at Remus questioningly.

“I know,” Remus said, coming closer to the couch. “That’s why I married you, silly.”

Sirius hiccupped as he slowly stopped crying.

“We’re married?” Sirius asked.

“Yes, dear,” Remus said patiently.

“Hey, I’m the only deer around,” James said from the top of the stairs. He walked down and flopped onto the armchair, hair even messier than usual.

“Yes, you are. The shadiest thing on you is actual lampshades, that’s how much of a dear you are,” Sirius said, moving around on the couch so his legs and torso switched places.

James leaned over the back of the couch to see Sirius’s face.

“You have no idea who I am, do you?” James said, chuckling.

“Nooooopppppe,” Sirius replied, popping the p.

“Sirius forgot Muggle painkillers and magic don’t mix well together,” Remus explained, sitting next to Sirius.

“Who’s Sirius?” Sirius asked.

“You are!” Harry screeched, obviously done with being quiet.

“I’m never serious,” Sirius informed Harry.

“That’s true,” Harry said, mulling that over.

“What’s true?” asked Lily as she entered the living room, clutching a mug of tea.

“Uncle Sirius is never serious,” Harry told her solemnly.

Lily snorted, barely avoiding spilling the tea.

“Good job, sweetheart, you’re absolutely correct,” she told him, tousling his hair.

“Aww. He’s growing up so fast,” James said, the ghost of a smile haunting his face.

“Too fast,” Sirius said. “I thought I’d have a few more years of being the Best Ever.”

“But you are the Best Ever,” Harry said, confused.

“Best What?” Remus mused.

They all mulled over that a little bit. Sirius righted himself on the couch and then made grabby hands at Lily’s tea. She ignored him.

“Best Dog Ever!” Harry finally decided on triumphantly.

“Not Best Uncle Ever?” Sirius said, pouting at Harry.

“Um,” Harry said, looking between Sirius and Remus.

“Give my kid a break Sir-,” James started, before Lily cut him off.

“No, no, I want to see how this ends,” she said, watching avidly as she sipped her tea.

“It’s okay Harry, I won’t feel bad,” Remus said.

Harry scrunched up his face in confusion, sensing a trap. His face smoothed out quickly though.

“Uncle Arthur is the Best Uncle Ever!” he said, happy with his diplomatic answer.

“That’s a relief,” Lily said. “For a second, I was afraid he was going to say he liked Vernon.”

“Who likes vermin?” Sirius asked, head tilting.

“I don’t think you got enough sleep, Lily. There’s no universe where someone actually likes Vernon, let alone my kid,” James said.

“What about Uncle Vernon’s mummy?” Harry asked, idly picking at a loose thread on Remus’s sweater.

James and Lily held a conversation with their eyebrows. _You explain. No, you explain._ By the time they decided to change the subject, the other inhabitants of the living room had already moved on.

“So there’s this guy, named Moldymolar, and his army of Teeth Eaters, and they eat teeth!” Sirius said dramatically. Harry gasped in fake shock.

“You don’t say,” Remus replied, deadpan.

Sirius nodded-well, seriously.

“Yes. They’re the scourge of all landkind-”

“Mankind?” James asked Lily, sotto voce.

“And they all have weird dark tattoos of bite marks on their left arms! That change colors and hurt when Moldymolar bites the tattoos,” Sirius continued.

“Maybe we should stop him before he says too much,” Remus murmured to James and Lily.

“I think he’s going to fall asleep,” James said.

“Which one?” Lily asked.

“Definitely Sirius,” Remus said, at the same time James said, “Definitely Harry.”

They looked at each other, then at Harry and Sirius, who were both yawning. Sirius was clearly wincing.

“Oooh,” Lily said in sympathy. “That’s gotta hurt.”

* * *

“Who gave Sirius his wand back?” Lily demanded, standing by the fireplace with her hands on her hips.

The kids all looked at each other before running as fast as they could out of the living room, leaving Remus and James to avoid meeting Lily’s fury-filled eyes.

“He’s high off drug and magic interactions! You can’t give him his wand is this state, it’s like giving a toddler unlimited power,” Lily said, throwing her hands up.

“I mean, to be fair--” James started.

“No, no, our toddlers did not have unlimited power. Harry didn’t even use magic until he was four, and the most any of them have done is use magic to make it read them books! Do you remember what the worst thing Sirius has done with magic? Do you?” Lily said impatiently.

Remus and James were silent as they contemplated this. James opened his mouth to answer, before frowning and counting on his fingers.

“How exactly do you define the parameters for ‘worst thing’?” Remus finally asked, lips pursed. “Because there’s the entirety of sixth year to take into consideration.”

James nodded in agreement, still counting.

“This is exactly my point! Get his wand away from him, and for the love of Merlin, hide the keys to his bike better than you hid his wand,” Lily growled, before stalking off towards the sound of children’s laughter.

“I mean, to be fair, I really did think Sirius would never look in cleaning supplies cupboard. He claims lemon-scented things make him break out in hives, or something like that,” Remus said.

“Why couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, kept the wand on your person?” James asked.

“Prongs. Remember when Sirius started learning Muggle magic to entertain the kids?” Remus explained patiently.

“Yeah, what does that have to do with anyth--. Oh” James realized.

“Yes, oh. Sirius can pick pockets like nobody’s business,” Remus said.

“Surprising, really. You have to be sneaky, and Sirius has all the stealth of a hung-over lion,” James mused.

“I am hung! Thanks for noticing!” Sirius yelled from behind them, startling both James and Remus.

“What the--what?” James gasped, clutching his chest.

“Prongs, we snuck around all during Hogwarts to set up pranks. Even with an Invisibility Cloak and a map, we had to be quiet and unnoticeable,” Remus pointed out.

“We didn’t just leave Sirius in the dorm?” James asked, combing a hand through his hair.

“Noooo,” Remus drew out, looking at James in concern before focusing on the bigger problem at hand: namely, his husband.

“Okay, Padfoot, I want your wand,” Remus said gently.

“Okay!” Sirius said cheerfully, before undoing his belt.

“Wow, that’s more than I ever wanted to know about your sex life,” James said, staring steadily at the closest wall.

“No, no, Siri, that’s not the wand I meant,” Remus said, shooting James a glare he didn’t see.

“But you said you wanted my wand,” Sirius said.

“I’d like your magic wand.”

“My wand is magic!”

“Your other magic wand,” Remus sighed.

“I’m confused,” Sirius said, pouting.

“Me too, buddy. Me too,” James said, clapping Sirius on the shoulder.

“Oh for the love of-- _Accio Sirius’s Wand_ ,” Remus casted, holding a hand out for the wand that flew out of Sirius’s left boot.

“That is--that is a spectacularly bad place to put your wand, Sirius. Do you know how easily you could break it?” James asked.  

“Yep!” Sirius said.

“Then why not, maybe, put it somewhere else?” James suggested cautiously.

“Okay!” Sirius agreed, before turning to Remus.

“Can I put my wand in your arse?” he asked.

Remus looked at James over Sirius’s head. James swallowed reflexively. Not out of fear or anything. Just reflexively. Because his throat was dry. That was his story, and he was sticking to it.

“Maybe later, Siri,” Remus said, eyes spelling doom for one James Charlus Potter.

“I’m just going to--” James trailed off, pointing a thumb over his shoulder. He was turning away when Sirius grabbed him and Remus.

“Group hug!” Sirius declared, smooshing the three of them together.

“ _Sleep with one eye open, Potter_ ,” Remus hissed in James’s ear.

“Ha! You say that like I get sleep,” James replied.

“I love you guys,” Sirius said.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Kudos and comments help break down the writer's block.


End file.
